Dear Clive, tonight I finally plucked up the courage to watch your funeral. Seeing it again has really drained me emotionally. It was as everyone said a really lovely service. There were parts during it that I didn’t remember. As I looked at it I can honestly say that I don’t know how we all got through that day, we were all on autopilot. Even though I’ve just watched us all saying our goodbyes to you I can’t believe it’s real. It just doesn’t feel real. It’s like, oh I don’t know, I can’t really describe what I’m feeling right now. All’s I know is that I want you back so much, where are you? I need you so badly. I’ve a great big lump in my throat, it’s difficult to swallow, my heart is aching, I want to scream and shout at God. I want to know why he had to take you away from us. I see so many elderly people each day that look a lot worse than you did and I can’t help feeling why are they still here and you’re not. What’s that saying? Life’s not fair, well that’s damn right, it isn’t fair that you have been taken away from us. I feel so angry and bitter at times at the unfairness of it all. When it’s dark at night I look up at the stars and wonder which one you are, for you were and still are, our star, shining bright, keeping watch over us. It’s something to believe in, to get us by every day since you’ve been gone. Lesley had the same thought as me, every night when I water the plants all’s I can think of is that this year you would have really enjoyed sitting out there. All the lights, the water feature, the roses. A lovely garden that I can’t bare to sit in alone. Clive I miss you so much, I was about to come in and ask you to top up the screen wash in the car the other day, then it suddenly hit me again that I’ll never be able to ask you things again. It’s all the little things that I used to leave to you that frustrate me so much and make me cry. I love you so, I wish you were still here so I could tell you how much. ❤️💔❤️💔❤️