Dear Clive, it’s a year today, going by the date of 19th December that you had to leave your home to go into hospital again, you were so ill that Lesley had to call an ambulance for you. It never crossed our minds that day that you would never return to us. You put up such a brave fight Clive, so much so that when we were allowed to visit you on 6th December you started to really perk up and once again we all thought you would eventually be coming home. You went through some horrendous treatment in the Intensive Care Unit and alls we could do was watch you on video link. You still managed to smile at us though on most days. I remember when me and Lesley first saw you on 6th December, poor Lesley was so relieved to see you again that she just broke down. I was having a word first with the doctor and it wasn’t good news. They didn’t expect you to last the night they told me. I had to try and hold myself together for you and Lesley, you said to me “now don’t you start crying,”. I did my best not to. I asked you why would I cry, what had the doctors told you? You brushed over our questions but in my heart I think you knew because the doctors had told you. Jason had driven up North to work that morning and I had to ring him to turn round and come back so he could see you. We all even had you laughing that day and you amazed the doctors because you did start to get better after seeing us all. Sadly on the 7th day you deteriorated really fast. I’m glad Lesley got to be with you that morning, then it was my turn to visit you. You weren’t able to talk only shake and nod your head over the last few days. I saw the light start to go out of your eyes, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it was like it was happening to someone else not us. I held you and said, “Your not leaving me are you Clive?” You shook your head to say no then all your machines started beeping, the physio came in to make you more comfortable, then you were alright for a little while. You closed your eyes, you were so tired, you never opened them again. The doctors came in and tried to revive you but they couldn’t even get your blood gasses. I asked if I should call Lesley and Jason and was told to do it right away. I stood by you holding your hand, still talking to you when a lady doctor said your breathing would now slow down and just stop. It was like being in some nightmare, this just wasn’t happening, not to us. You just slipped away from me and there was nothing I could do. Lesley and Jason arrived a few minutes later and if they hadn’t been there I would have just collapsed, that is how I felt. I had to hold it together for them. Lesley was inconsolable and Jason was in shock. None of us really knew what to do. I cut some of your hair before they got there, I can’t believe I actually thought to do that, I just had to have something of you, to keep close to me. We stayed with you, I don’t remember how long, but it was a terrible wrench for us to leave you there on your own. And now all this time has gone by and we don’t feel the pain of losing you any less. You told me not to cry but I have cried a river since you’ve been gone. Every night is a trial for me when I go up the stairs to bed. I hold your cushion and hug you, I talk to you, wishing you were here. It is just not getting any easier, the feeling inside of me is indescribable. It hurts so much. So now Christmas is nearly here and it will be the second Christmas that you haven’t been in this house for real. You have your place by the fireside, you have your party hat on and you are home in a sense but the grief we feel is always with us. We love you so much, I wish I had shown you more when you were still with me but I really thought we had years left to spend together. Life is just not fair and I can’t get over losing you, never seeing you again. How do you get past something like this? Many times I still think, “oh I must tell Clive that,” only to realise your not here. I’m going to sign off for now Clive before I break down completely. Just know that I love you so much and miss you always, every single day. 💔💔💔💔Anne 😘😘😘