Dear Clive, I’m in bits tonight, I don’t really know what started me off, just picturing you in my head on your last day with us in hospital, it is still so vivid, our last words to each other, even though you couldn’t talk you still answered me by nodding or shaking your head. Then you fell asleep, a sleep from which you didn’t wake. I’m glad that you slept and left this world so peacefully, your pain and struggle to live and stay with us was over. You’ll never know just how much I love and miss you, every single day. Our struggle began the day you left us and believe me when I say that every day is a struggle for us. I still think I will tell you something, because I forget and still think you are here, and it’s such a shock to realise all over again that I can never talk, nag, moan or laugh with you again. We were well suited to each other, sometimes we even knew what the other was thinking before we said it. We had some rough patches in our early years and even after all these years I still can’t forgive your family for taking you away from us, Lesley was only 11 months old, we were so happy in Liverpool in our own little house until your Mum, Pat and Barbara turned your head. We will never get those months back. Before I first moved to London we only saw each other every other weekend, money was tight, but we lost a lot of precious time that we could have had together. When I think back to our early years it sometimes seems that we had to overcome so many obstacles, it’s a wonder we came through it all, but with a love as strong as ours we were meant to be together. Now we are no longer together and it breaks my heart. Lesley is right when she says Rocky has brought some joy back into our lives, and I do miss him when he goes away at the weekends. Lesley comes to see him nearly every day, it’s good to see her laugh and play with him. He is very easy to love. When we had Max and Isha they were spoilt by us all and you always said you would come back as a dog but only if you were in a good home, I wonder if our souls do come back in other shapes and forms. I know I sound mad but I’d cling to any thought if I only you could come back. Rocky has learned to go upstairs now, he certainly keeps me on my toes all day. I get very tired sometimes what with the school runs, housework, having the kids after school and Rocky to look after, but I’ve always liked being busy even if I do get tired. Without Lesley, Jason and the grandchildren I don’t know how I’d get through each day. It’s always the weekends when everyone has gone to their own homes that I get really upset, I feel that you are still here with me , I can’t believe that you are not, but I also realise that we can never have a laugh and joke together, or bounce off each other with our banter. Laura told me quite a few times when we used to stay with them how she was jealous of the way me and you were able to bounce of each other in that way. When I think back over the many years we had together we only had small rows and our happy times outweigh the bad times. We grew old together, we fit hand in glove with each other and when I retired times were better because we were together then every day. God knows how many times I’ve wished that we did more together, things like going away together, seeing places we always wanted to see but something always happened to stop us from doing that. I regret the arguments that we had over the years, but even then we stuck by each other. There are days when I just can’t get you out of my mind, and I often wonder if you were frightened of letting go of this life in your last moments, I see your face so clearly as you took those last few breaths and slipped away. I thought I would go mad then, I couldn’t even believe that this had actually happened to us, I didn’t know what to do, selfishly I thought how can I go on without you, I was falling apart inside, I needed you but you had left me. I looked at you, I knew you had gone but my mind was refusing to believe it. Holding you in that bed, you were still warm, how could this be, it’s not true, not happening, it’s a dream, I’ll wake up in a minute. But it wasn’t a dream it was a bloody nightmare, my worst fears come true and I don’t think I’m ever going to get over it. Clive my heart aches for you, part of me died that day and I’ll never be the same again. Lesley and Jason arrived not long after you left us and seeing the state they were in, especially Lesley, quickly brought me back to my senses, I was Mum again and I knew I had to help them through the worst day of our lives. They needed me and I needed them. Leaving you alone in that hospital bed was, I think, one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do. Our lives were in limbo after your funeral, we couldn’t visit you anymore, instead all we have left is a big teardrop on the hearth. Every time I put the fire on I think of you, you loved the new fireplace and the fire but you had such a short time to enjoy it. Every day in the bathroom, I look at the shower and think of you, I can still picture you in there, and all the times I helped you to get dry after you’d showered. I look at the TV and think of you, because you picked it and bought it. There are so many things around me that make me think of you. It’s been hard trying to do things for myself without asking Lesley or Jason for help, I think of you then because you would always do the little jobs yourself, or help me to do them. It’s been over a year now and I’m missing you even more. I can’t get used to it being just me in the house now. I’ll go up to bed soon, then I’ll cuddle my cushion and talk to you about my day. Then it’s into bed and that’s when the house feels really empty to me and a terrible loneliness seeps through me, it’s really hard to explain. I’ll sign off now Clive, but I’ll write again soon. I will love and miss you always. Anne. 💔💔💔💔💔